my living room is freezing..

this is going to be a good weeekend..the reason being that my dad is going to get all the couches cleaned. i refuse to lay on the couch that my step brother would lay on all day long, and also will not use the blankets in the living room. everryone else in the house feels the same. either late at night, or when nobody was home the freakin guy would sit in the livingroom and watch porn all day or night long. once these couches and blankets are cleaned i will no longer have to lay on my couch and be cold.

the saga continues...

so ya...hes finally gone! yay!..the part that i didnt mention is that the persons house that he moved into is a meth user, and is also crazy!! i didnt realize how much his own mom wanted him out of her life until yesterday she came down to my room and asked for my advice...she told me that the woman whos house he was living in had called her and said that she was two months behind on her rent and was asking my step mom to give her the money for the next six months of my brothers rent...i told her, now cant you see that this freakin lady is a drug addict?...two months behind on rent my ass..the lady has two rooms that she rents out, totalling in 900 dollars a month that she collects from her roommates, the total rent for her place is only 1200. she also has a job. how is this lady going to be 2400 hundred dollars behind? the thing that really got my attention was that she was actually considering giving it to her for a second..i guess having him around in the same house really brings her down...i guess im not the only one..my step mom has never had any serious problems in her life like this, and is just now trying to learn how to cope with the current issue. she has tried so many times, over and over to help him, but the main thing that just keeps messing him up is the fact that he will go out and get intoxicated with what ever substances he can get his grimy little paws on..

what now?

I kinda feel bad that ive just been ragging on my brother for a couple of weeks now in this blog. Anyway, yesterday he moved out. As of this month, he started getting checks every month from the government for disability. The checks go to his mom, otherwise he’ll just o blow all of his money in a day or two. He’s renting a room, just a couple of miles down the road. Ever since he left, the house has been so much more peaceful. Its nice to finally be able to keep my toothbrush in the bathroom. Its also nice to not have to hide my personal possessions in fear that they will get messed with when I’m not around. All of a sudden theres food in the fridge again too. Although he has a job delivering pizzas, im pretty sure that his mom is going to have to buy him groceries every week. I honestly don’t have faith that his living situation will last that long, because he just has a habit of pissing people off all the time. My parents have been getting along a lot better too, which is a good thing. I feel really bad for my stepmom that shes going to have to deal with her son for the rest of her life. She was telling me earlier today that shes sure that since he moved out of the house, he probably wont take his medication now, which will never have good results. He also is supposed to go to multiple counseling appointments evey week as well, one of which he didn’t show up for today. I hope that having another chance to be on his own will make him actually want to do something with his life for once instead of being a bum who just sits at home all day and watches porn.

karma

I am a firm believer in karma, and always have been. I think that most times in life, people get what they have had coming to them eventually. Like I said in an earlier post, there have been times where I have caught my brother using my toothbrush. What I am about to say is no lie, and I actually feel kind of bad for the guy. I have been keeping my toothbrush hidden in my room for some time now for obvious reasons. However, I have this pair of white shoes that I try very hard to keep clean. Whats the point of having white shoes if they are dirty? Anyway, theres this toothbrush that I used to use maybe a year or so ago that I use to clean my shoes. I keep it under the sink in my bathroom, totally not in the open. Im pretty sure that you can tell where this story is going. So I go to take a shower the other day, and I notice that the toothbrush in now in the toothbrush holder. The poor guy was brushing his teeth with a toothbrush that I put soap on to clean my shoes with less than a week ago. Part of me felt really bad like I should have gone and said something to him, but the other part of me didn’t want to say anything. I never said anything, and that’s what he gets for thinking that it was my toothbrush… karmas a bitch…Oh ya, and just so you know, I am not the only victim in the house of the toothbrush bandit, while my sister was visiting for spring break last week from college, she caught the guy in the act using hers too. Why doesn’t he just use his own toothbrush?

karma

I am a firm believer in karma, and always have been. I think that most times in life, people get what they have had coming to them eventually. Like I said in an earlier post, there have been times where I have caught my brother using my toothbrush. What I am about to say is no lie, and I actually feel kind of bad for the guy. I have been keeping my toothbrush hidden in my room for some time now for obvious reasons. However, I have this pair of white shoes that I try very hard to keep clean. Whats the point of having white shoes if they are dirty? Anyway, theres this toothbrush that I used to use maybe a year or so ago that I use to clean my shoes. I keep it under the sink in my bathroom, totally not in the open. Im pretty sure that you can tell where this story is going. So I go to take a shower the other day, and I notice that the toothbrush in now in the toothbrush holder. The poor guy was brushing his teeth with a toothbrush that I put soap on to clean my shoes with less than a week ago. Part of me felt really bad like I should have gone and said something to him, but the other part of me didn’t want to say anything. I never said anything, and that’s what he gets for thinking that it was my toothbrush… karmas a bitch…

now and then...

http://sheriffgregsolano.blogspot.com/2008/03/minds-interrupted-stories-of-lives.html
As I was searching for similar blogs to read about other people who have had mentally ill family members in there lives, I found one that was written by a sheriff from new mexico. He told the story of growing up and having his uncle in his life who suffered from post traumatic stress, after the war. There were a few things that caught my eye that I thought were interesting, “As I write this I struggled for a way to end this monologue and then I realized my family still struggles with my uncle’s illness and we pray for his safety while grasping for answers. There is yet no end to this story.”
This makes me think a little bit about the future. For one, what if I was writing this twenty years from now? Would my frustrations still be the same? Would I still have as much aggression towards this guy as I do right now? And the part about there never being any end to the story, whats my bipolar step brother going to be doing in twenty years? Will he be able to hold a job? Will he be able to support himself? I could go on and on with questions that pop into my head about the future for this guy. The fact that its so uncertain where he is going to end up, or how he will end up is pretty real. The thing that frustrates everyone that tries to help him is that he makes absolutely no effort to help himself, as if he likes being freakin’ crazy. I think that the context of reflection in which the blog that I read was written in is very different than mine. I wonder if in twenty years if I wrote this blog if mine would be the same…
I wonder if there will ever be an end to my brothers story, or if will just keep on going around and around in circles like its been doing the last few years. I can remember back when wee were in school, the guy had better grades than me. Now he probably couldn’t even pay attention enough to write down his homework. Another thing that the blog touched on was how he saw his uncle, a guy who had it all, go to having nothing, all because of mental illness. Its so sad how mental illness destroys so many lives and families.

what would you do?

In my house, there are a lot of underlying issues. Its like there is a lion asleep in my living room, and im constantly tip toeing around trying not to wake it up. What I mean by the lion, is that there are just certain things that I don’t bring up, or things will just burst, and my house will become a loud and screaming hell hole. Im pretty certain that my step mom has this weird anger that its her son that’s crazy and not me. Every time he does something really stupid, and she has to hear about it, there are always responses having to do with me, and what ever ive done wrong in the past, or how im not perfect. (im not at all saying that im perfect). I would say that a good solution is to move out right? Well I think I would, but this madness will not be lasting too much longer since they are getting separated on the 1st of next month. To be quite brutally honest, as messed up as it sounds, sometimes all this stuff is kind of entertaining. I cant let everything get me down, sometimes you just have to find the humor in things, you know what I mean? Wouldn’t you laugh if you walked into your livingroom and saw a guy with three pairs of shoes on the table and five different colored sharpie markers…”what are you doing barrett?..oh hey, just coloring my shoes…” I walk out like three hours later, and this guy had colored his white shoes completely black with a permanent marker. The other two pairs just had some lame ass designs on them that just looked retarded. On the other side of things, his illness is really getting really serious though, its gotten to the point that my step mom has to watch the guy take his meds, or else he wont do it. He’s supposed to be moving in with some other lady that hes going to rent a room from. He no longer has to worry about rent money for the rest of his life because hes getting monthly checks from the government.