now and then...

http://sheriffgregsolano.blogspot.com/2008/03/minds-interrupted-stories-of-lives.html
As I was searching for similar blogs to read about other people who have had mentally ill family members in there lives, I found one that was written by a sheriff from new mexico. He told the story of growing up and having his uncle in his life who suffered from post traumatic stress, after the war. There were a few things that caught my eye that I thought were interesting, “As I write this I struggled for a way to end this monologue and then I realized my family still struggles with my uncle’s illness and we pray for his safety while grasping for answers. There is yet no end to this story.”
This makes me think a little bit about the future. For one, what if I was writing this twenty years from now? Would my frustrations still be the same? Would I still have as much aggression towards this guy as I do right now? And the part about there never being any end to the story, whats my bipolar step brother going to be doing in twenty years? Will he be able to hold a job? Will he be able to support himself? I could go on and on with questions that pop into my head about the future for this guy. The fact that its so uncertain where he is going to end up, or how he will end up is pretty real. The thing that frustrates everyone that tries to help him is that he makes absolutely no effort to help himself, as if he likes being freakin’ crazy. I think that the context of reflection in which the blog that I read was written in is very different than mine. I wonder if in twenty years if I wrote this blog if mine would be the same…
I wonder if there will ever be an end to my brothers story, or if will just keep on going around and around in circles like its been doing the last few years. I can remember back when wee were in school, the guy had better grades than me. Now he probably couldn’t even pay attention enough to write down his homework. Another thing that the blog touched on was how he saw his uncle, a guy who had it all, go to having nothing, all because of mental illness. Its so sad how mental illness destroys so many lives and families.

what would you do?

In my house, there are a lot of underlying issues. Its like there is a lion asleep in my living room, and im constantly tip toeing around trying not to wake it up. What I mean by the lion, is that there are just certain things that I don’t bring up, or things will just burst, and my house will become a loud and screaming hell hole. Im pretty certain that my step mom has this weird anger that its her son that’s crazy and not me. Every time he does something really stupid, and she has to hear about it, there are always responses having to do with me, and what ever ive done wrong in the past, or how im not perfect. (im not at all saying that im perfect). I would say that a good solution is to move out right? Well I think I would, but this madness will not be lasting too much longer since they are getting separated on the 1st of next month. To be quite brutally honest, as messed up as it sounds, sometimes all this stuff is kind of entertaining. I cant let everything get me down, sometimes you just have to find the humor in things, you know what I mean? Wouldn’t you laugh if you walked into your livingroom and saw a guy with three pairs of shoes on the table and five different colored sharpie markers…”what are you doing barrett?..oh hey, just coloring my shoes…” I walk out like three hours later, and this guy had colored his white shoes completely black with a permanent marker. The other two pairs just had some lame ass designs on them that just looked retarded. On the other side of things, his illness is really getting really serious though, its gotten to the point that my step mom has to watch the guy take his meds, or else he wont do it. He’s supposed to be moving in with some other lady that hes going to rent a room from. He no longer has to worry about rent money for the rest of his life because hes getting monthly checks from the government.

the ball just keeps on rollin'

Everyday there is something new. A new issue that arises with him and has to be dealt with. This is very hard on everyone. My step mom bought him another car last week, which she already regrets. Two days ago, he was driving around, and drinking, he ended up hitting a parked car, totaling his new car and fleeing the scene. Apparently, he came back to the scene hours later and talked to the police and was able to avoid getting a DUI, or hit and run. Ever since then, hes been on one of his “lows”, as my step mom calls it. When hes “low”, he will hang around the house and sleep all day long and through the night. This will last for three to five days. On is “highs”, he will be up and about all the time, usually for three to five days. During this time, he wont sleep at all, and will spend his time doing really weird things. This has a very big impact on my family, because people are constantly worrying about him and what hes going to mess up next. Its really hard to have an actual conversation with the guy. He will start saying things that don’t make any sense, and when he does it, he tries to sound as if hes talking very intellectually or as if hes really smart. In reality he just looks like an idiot. Another issue is food. Anytime that I buy anything, I have to hide it in random cupboards from him so that he wont eat my food. No matter how many times he is told that something doesn’t belong to him, it just goes in one ear and out the other. He has no regard for others, and absolutely no impulse control. A couple of months ago, there was a guest staying upstairs at our house, so him and I had to share a bathroom for a couple weeks. I cant even begin to explain how mad I was when I caught him using my toothbrush. A week later about eighty percent of my socks went missing along with some other clothes. He does this stuff because he feels like it, and this is only the tip of the iceberg. All the guy does is piss people off, and makes absolutely no effort to change any of his ways. He has a mother who loves him, and has gone so far out of her way to get him the help that he needs, but shows her no gratitude for anything that she has done for him.

so....

like i said, my name is tim, and i have a 24 year old step brother who is bipolar. im kinda using this blog as a source of venting the frustration that builds up towards this guy. it seems like he has no sense of whats right or wrong. he constantly disrespects our parents, which creates alot of tension. on april 1st, my parents are getting separated. i dont blame this at all on my brother, its something that would of happened no matter what, and is probably for the better, but he totally ads to the fire. when i leave my house, i have to hide my computer, and any money that i have in my room because the guy goes through my stuff, and when he finds it, will sit there and look at porn all day or if he finds and money, he'll go to the bar. as soon as he has a few beers, the chemistry in his head gets all wierd, so he'll come home talking jibereish all freakin night. its really sad to watch this happen to a family member. although i love the guy, i have alot of aggression towards him. whenever he does something stupid, its always blamed on the mental illness that he has. i honestly believe that half the time, he knows exactly whats hes doing, and that he can get away with it. my parents let him live in the house on a few very basic conditions, 1. that he doesnt use any drugs, and 2. that he seek help for his problems. my stepmom takes his paychecks from him because every time she doesnt, he will go to the bar and somehow spend his whole check in one night. i know that there have to be alot of people in similar situations out there, it would be nice to get in touch and see how they handle it. it seemed like two years ago, he was normal, and then he had a drug problem for about a year. after he came out of the clouds from that last run, he just wasnt the same. sometimes he'll sleep for days, and then other times he'll be up at all hours of the night, drawing pictures of naked women that look like the were drawn by a kindergardener. when ever he draws, its always the same: a naked woman surrounded by scribble. sometimes you can barely make out the woman from the scribble. his other activity of penmanship is his "portfolio". his "portfolio" as he calls it has all of the important inventions that he has ideas for, most of which already exist. i remember walking in one night when he was writing one of his "lists". im not completely sure what the purpose of the "list" was but i can remember a few of the things i saw:
1. buy the board game stratego
2. my mom is an alien
3. im here
.........and so on... none of it makes any sense. im not putting him down, but rather letting out my thoughts as i write about living with this guy. hes lost most of his friends, which i truly have sympathy for, but i myself cant stand hanging out with the guy. im pretty sure that the fact that he smokes pot everyday definetely contributes to him being so "out there" all the time, even when he takes his medication. i remember a couple of months ago, my dad and stepmom took him with them to a local resaraunt and bar, where they had live usic and dancing. after just a few drinks the guy was swaying all over everyone on the dance floor to the point that the bartender and other employees wanted him to leave. when my dad went to try and get him to leave with them, the guy was so out of his mind that he threw a punch at my dads face, right in front of everyone. luckily he missed, but as a result he was 86'ed from yet another bar for being out of control...

welcome to my blog..
my name is tim, im 22 and i live in the bay area in norhtern california. i live with my dad, stepmom and step brother. as of about a year and a half ago, my stepbrother, 24, was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and a few other disorders which i dont know the name of. the reason i dont know the name of them is because the issue of my brother is a very sensitive subject in my house. i try not to ask too many questions due to the fact that it will end up starting a whole bunch of things that dont need to be started. the reason im writing this blog, is maybe to get some insight, feedback or advice on living with someone like this. i can honestly tell you that i have alot of aggersion towards this guy. he seems to try and use his illness to his advantage to get away with all kinds of stupid things. i definetely have alot to say about this issue, so if anyone out there is in a similar position to me, and is reading this, im here waiting to hear from you..